An Old Letter

On 9 December 2014, I wrote this letter on my Facebook to my friends and others. It was a time when I felt a need to prove myself to the wrong people. People who wouldn't believe in me no matter what I said. When Facebook Memories showed me this old post, my heart swelled. I'm sharing this now for two reasons. One, it's still an accurate reflection of how I feel today. Two, there are people out there who have the same wants and desires as I do, but can't articulate it the way I can. So, I wanted to put this out there for them.



Letter

"My loves, and no other,

I was thinking about perceptions the other day. Sunday, I felt highly compelled to talk about racial issues due to the recent news. However, there was another issue that spoke to me weeks ago. The perception of others's intentions, specifically involving relationships. I did not write it then. I then felt a great compulsion to write about this subject last night, but it was after midnight. So, I slept. Now, here I am to talk about intentions. Specifically, my intentions.

I make friends with the specific intention of developing deeper, richer, personal connections. I quickly grow tired of shallow, meaningless relationships. I prefer long-term, committed social attachments. (Like those I have with some of you.) If I believe or know it will be a temporary thing, I don't feel a desire to become invested. I like trust, comfort, and a sense of safety and security. It is a natural human desire. What I desire more than anything is a fulfilling, rich, vulnerable emotional connection. In the past, with those who have faded away or have been deleted, I sought to open a door of dialogue in an effort to get to know them and develop a more emotionally intimate and sincere dialogue amongst friends. It did not work in that way. I knocked at the emotional door, and that door shut in my face. I was saddened. My best friends have always been those who had intellectual, artistic, and/or emotional depth.

This is a compliment to you who are or have been close to me. To me, friendship is not simply being with someone and spending time with them. Friendship isn't seeing someone on a regular basis and growing accustomed to their presence, seeing their face. Friendship to me is about connection, trust, safety, and openness. It's about building and establishing strong and permanent emotional bonds. And for me, it's not just emotional bonds I seek. I seek spiritual bonds as well. I like to be connected with someone who is connected to Jesus. I like to see, hear, and feel that connection. I like to feel the waves of God's righteousness resonating from that person's bones. I like to get into hours of deep discussion about our emotions, thoughts, doubts, worries, experiences, and God. I desire the capability to be completely open, vulnerable, and connected with someone. I want to be so connected to someone that they know me. It is a blessing to be known. And as far as people go, even to the point of inappropriate behavior and over-stepping their boundaries, no one knows me (but God). And that troubles me.

No one knows me to the depths for which I wish to be known. I've had some who are close. My best friend of 13 years is still connected to me, and I am so grateful to have her in my life. (I love you, friend!! <3 You know who you are.) However, that is a friendship with appropriate and necessary boundaries.

This is one of the reasons I have sought a wife for as long as I have. It is a relationship with almost no boundaries, where we can go so deep into each other that we need Google map and GPS to get out, only there's no signal. I am an emotionally complex person who seeks a place where I am wanted, needed, accepted, and loved. [With the exception of "needed" (as He does not need us), we have such a place in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, who gave His life so that we may live.] I seek a place in a person's life where I can be appreciated and truly known. I want my wife to feel my soul holding hands with her soul and feel my heart beating in her own chest. I want to be known and loved like never before. I'm talking deeply felt, teary-eyed, our souls are connected kind of knowing.

And it's not just about what I want (even though I say "I want a lot"). I truly, deeply, absolutely want to be that person for someone else. I am ACHING to be a blessing for someone. It would be great if someone could be completely open and free with who they are around me. It would truly be an honor to massage someone's soul, bring laughter where there are tears, and allow someone to completely unload and decompress. To carry no weight or burden, and feel no need to keep any secrets from me. I'd love it if she could tell me how she felt, whenever she felt it, why she felt it, without any need of hesitation or fear of rejection, because she knows I love her. I love her with a depth and vastness beyond the known universe. I loved her before I knew her, when she was only a dream. (By the way, this is how God feels about all of us. If we could surrender our hearts to Him, He wants to be that person for us.)

That is the honest to God truth about me and my intentions. I say this so you understand why I wanted it for so long. I am incapable of trusting someone and truly seeing that person as a friend if there is no emotional and/or spiritual connection. I wish to be known. I desire these first above anything else.

I say this so you understand my intentions. I have not sought a wife just so I can have sex. When people see a man talking to a woman or seeking a woman, their first thought is sex. They associate a male talking to a female with a male wanting to have sex with that female. Honestly, if that was my motivation, I would have had a fair amount of sex in my life. Don't ask me how much sex I haven't had. It's not about sex. (And even in those few moments of weakness, where I wanted it more, God slapped it down like Shaquille O'Neal did a lay up.) I was born in human flesh; but I am not of this world. And as lonely as it felt, it was never His intention for me to be one.

Furthermore, since I am a man of God, living in Jesus Christ, I have no desire for relations outside of marriage. Meaning, if I do flirt with a woman, with the expectation of something more than friendship, I understand such a development will take an investment of years (at the very least, a year) of friendship, courting, and an engagement before the wedding night. In which case, on that wedding night, I will get to know her, it will be beautiful, and we will become one flesh before the eyes of God.

To conclude this thought, I am looking to reconnect with all of you in the coming year. A lot of you, who I deeply love, I have had little contact with, and in some cases, no contact with. You are my extended family. If I could hold you, I would hold you. And be it the LORD's will, I will hold you soon. We will laugh, catch up on the years lost while I was searching for my wife, figuring out how to live, and developing my relationship with myself and God.

I write this so that you will know me and my intentions (with you and others), and as an admission of my continued affection for you. I seek to know and love you forever, and to be known and loved. I seek something deep and unforgettable. You are deep and unforgettable."

For those of you seeking true, excellent, pure love, I pray you find it. Let the year to come be the most love filled year of all.

Thank you for reading! Have a wonderful day!

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